half remembered nightmare quote

someone recently told me that selfishness in the quest for improved esteem was okay. well i have a hard time with that. so here goes. i feel that wanting to know everybody's weird terrible idiosyncrasies is unrealistic, because the whole idea is that once people already like you, any bomb you drop will be safe. the mutually assured distraction, or discussion. i have no problem with the lasting relationships i have with people. jeffrey eugendies said it is a bad idea to sleep with your fantasy. i agree. i am weird. i like seeing books i gave people, or nicknames that have stuck or this shared experience communication exchange. i dont have ambition, i just want a drinking buddy wherever i am. not in the sense of drinking per se, but in the sense of someone who finds me funny, where the conversation is never as heavy as the food and the jokes are inappropriate. this will change one day and i fear i will be more lost than i have ever been. i dont know if i will ever get back. i am learning to be okay with this. i wish i could tell people i love them before it is too late. i wish i didnt react in a way that attempted to cut people out, because sometimes people take those cues and beat me to the punch. i would like to be a glorious mess or just a mediocre failure but the way people see me will never be the way i see myself.

what a long week. i dont know what the hell is going on anymore. i dont know what the point is of anything anymore and finding things to fill the void just makes the hole deeper. i cant put things into words anymore. ayyyyyyyyyyyy, like a chonga losing an earring as she is going to see the padre of her babinos. an earring hector gave her.

home

be it a bread line or a punch line, i'll cross it with you.