no longer wants to capture the zeitgeist

it's snowing on the upper west side of manhattan. the drugs have been kicking in for a while. i think my illness is largely influenced by anxiety. i have so much to do when i get back. i am trying to enjoy myself here, and i really am but i havent felt well in a while. i dont know if i am going to be the same when i return. absence does make the heart do something, beat arrythmically. the first person narrative is more appealing than the omniscent guise of objectivism.

so the apartment i am in, is beautiful. he works for the new yorker. in LA, they all want to act. in NY everyone has master's degrees and has been published. tough crowd. it would be nice to hear from some of you, but i know the holidays are a time for self involvement and introspection. compassion dulls the neuro receptors.

the cure in between days

so this is the new year

yesterday i was amped with travel style amphetamine, fight or flight airport naps and reacquainting myself with the world at large. i hate new york. i mean food is good, even vegan food with maggie gyllenhaal doppelgangers for waitresses, yes please. but as a city ... i hate this fucking place. david is fun, highlights include his ex - bf's mom saying (post face lift) a good wife is a good life. and other sundry hilarious stories about chongas, subways and trannies, which are on subways as well. we'll see how the week progresses. all i know is i wish all my friends, anthony, daniella, sam, liz, adam, veronica, lucier, the brothers holway and david were all on my porch at my old house drinking, arguing and groping each other. well here's to a robotrip dream sequence.

when i think of my best friend, and new york subways

speechless, for a change.

nothing but the best

to things we whisper at night, thoughts on a train, dreams between waking.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

courage to change the things I can,

and wisdom to know the difference.

In church or in the gutter, we want the same things.

Happy New Year.

talking to ourselves, talking to ourselves

so I hear you. I m not going to use the idiom I feel you, because language is colorful enough. Sometimes it really doesnt matter who hears what the hell you want the universe, your friends, your boss, family, inter(actors) to know. Chances are, everybody knows everything they are just too busy trying to be the first, most quotable and the loudest to get there. I wish you were here. Or I was there. And the internet was back inside and we were just walking to Del Taco to eat and talk shit on the steps of the church around the corner. The postcard memories and the half steps on the stairs on a dark night, half rememberances of things present and fading. We make each other happen. The handicap of an aracade game, this quarter will last forever.

So resolve to be better. To be the potential our high school selves laughed at and authority encouraged. Get fit, live right, be the joke of every dysfunctional comedy. At least they are laughing. So the first impression or the epitaph. Every obituary adjective a badge of honor and embellishment.

I love you.

the walk to work

Transcending the mundane : ______ until it happens to you

Usually I don't blog about personal things in such an obvious way. I like to use the Internet to amuse myself, possibly others, gain knowledge or just otherwise distract myself. But lately, I got some great advice and have to let go of some things to move forward, or down the street as the case may be.

Saying I love you doesn't get you pregnant.

and being self righteous doesn't do you any favors.

happy holidays.

saturday night

here is a map from the 1800s. check it out. Napoleon vs. Russia.
saturday night.

Be still when you have nothing to say; when genuine passion moves you, say what you've got to say, and say it hot.
Ours is essentially a tragic age, so we refuse to take it tragically.
All that we know is nothing, we are merely crammed wastepaper baskets, unless we are in touch with that which laughs at all our knowing.

D.H. Lawrence

never reveal your aspirations

coffeeshop
on the way to the synagogue
eyes searching
behind closed doors
ketchup and coagulated cheese
a once shiny wrapper
are all that remain
a value menu holocaust
kosher no more

holding pattern

there is something to be said about a well placed pun
the tension gets so high sometimes
like the validation paradox of
a guitar and a gun
as if esteem were something you could just strap on
all the disposable distractions
the people who blew lines
and now have children
it has only been a year
a generation of generalized apathy
that has been replaced by a quiet fear
the future is ever present
the age of uninformed consent
the heres
the theres
there is always tomorrow
to feel the same as today
i guess i am down to one

Phoenix - Long Distance Call although Lost and Found is better, not on YouTube.

the religious right now

we are reaching out and often surprised by what we find. the reflections of our own distorted values and lack of convictions, both criminal and otherwise , can be troubling to say the least. i often find myself thinking of the inherent flaw of global/local relations. the human mind does not adhere to cartography. and the human heart... pumps blood and serves a gross metaphor for the fallacy of feelings and the ocean of emotions we wade through. the intangibility of unification, it is only in the specifics that we are forced to realize the commonalities are mere formalities. the united can create more discomfort than the safety of an enemy. this obsession with wealth, appearance and minority culture only proves how much we buy into our own poorly constructed selves. The sanctimony and violence that serve as incestuous lovers to a fanatical cause can be the stark reminder that we don't share anything except language. the gulf is widening. a long walk with the sole intention of self destruction, which requires an evaluation of the structural integrity of the self. how hard does one work to destruct. how hard does one work to avoid damage at all. the essentialism of ease and drawing lines in the sand for allies that need never be called. just another night for me, with mormon mothers and icebreaker games. i learned a lot as the sun set on the postcard image of the ocean. the vastness seems to promise tomorrow faster than ever. the visible constellations and the calming repetition of the ocean meeting sand, the dance that lasts forever. it can be too much for the underdrunk, the only drunk on an energy drink joose, the most alcohol content at a gas station insulated by geography. the pre-television escape route of meeting strangers and shooting shit -- the graceful exchange of the inoffensive and well practiced jokes of the middle age, middle class, mothers on the town. no matter the zip codes, the predictability of humanity makes each and every day an exercise in both patience and pragmatism. quote, anecdote, analysis. and then it begins.

you dont get a toy with your cigarette

would a manic meal be a treat in itself? sucking the dark right out the steel reserve. i have real concepts and verbiage, but for now you get...

Facebook status: Wonders if anybody could ever love me -- which would be sad if she had not been making zoo noises for a webcam. Or possibly to a webcam but one of the funniest things I have heard in a while. I think her roomate should get a giftcard to X Mart.

Greater Tuna: The best thing from the south since

I'll Find Another Rain Storm to Fill My Glass

The Silver Lining of Pocket Change

You know how I feel about the Rhinestones on the Bible Belt, sometimes kept in the closet, too flashy for company. Interests include glitter and boys.