I Know Why the Wires Buzz (The Screens Glow)

Nature Shows Us How

It's in the air and in the wires. It's in the blood and starting fires. Falling on old patterns like romantics in love. Or on swords. Sounds of natural war time all lights and glass rattling. The light in the darkness and the shadows evaporating like the newly formed puddles. The build up of heat and release made manifest on the window pane.

"Something to Talk About" is more than an eponymous song from Bonnie Raitt. It sums up the very nature of a water cooler on fire, the primitive internet utility of mass human communication with a purpose. If one's thoughts are diametrically inclined: we are a culture of costumes and quotes, uniforms and theme songs. We are a nation united by hype and disillusioned by inevitable conclusions. We seek the middle and we seek it hard.

The buzz begins with the insiders. We predict, we permutate, we anticipate. And then we fall. We fall into sweeps, scandals and the sweet rush of adjective assembly that tells us what we like. We respond. And if the vibrations are just right, we connect. That ever-elusive combination of mawkishness and insight traversing battlefields of pop culture fallout, current music, and self-awareness. The pre-emptive fears of cancellation, settling and early syndication.

The slow rise pop, like the titular pronunciation favored in the Mid-West, bubbles and inevitably falls flat. But those first fresh sips fill us with a collective joy of camaraderie of culture, ease of understanding.

It's Been _______ Years since my last

I don't go to Church. I suppose I should add, anymore, to indicate there was a time when I did. And as such, I have been to a confessional and find the internet to be an appropriate substitute. A nice jumping off point for the things we hardly admit to ourselves, much less the anonymous void. Why some people make you want them in your lives and others leave you questioning all the decisions you have failed to make.

The kids make me want to weigh every word, and try to prevent hurting their feelings by anger or carelessness. They are sweet and funny and help balance the scales of inadequacy I feel like hanging myself from. I wish I didnt need them to remind me. I wish I could be better without scores of books and songs and films and tv shows that ended prematurely.

Reset.

Read a book to stay awake (with broken glasses)

Whether it be a needle or a trigger, enjoy your 45. I have a hard time writing. Not actually writing, but focusing on a project. I doubt very highly it is ADD or some other shit written on a file in a school in a state I no longer reside in. I have a hard time sleeping. I have a hard time being an adult. Things havent changed much, I feel like I am standing still as the world spins around me. Names, faces, phone numbers orbiting around me (there's a joke to me made). I had a line earlier about the brutality of something, probably humanity and a phantom lasting the length of a song, a cigarette, an errand. This fog of bi-location, which may not be limited to St. Ignatius is making it hard to see clearly.

I think of you often. I have things I meant to give to you, or you left with me, or that reminds me of you. I feel like I am standing between a tectonic plates and being pulled slowly in opposite directions. I dont know what to do and I am avoiding panic by avoiding solutions. It isnt working (there's a joke there). Writing the jokes for an empty stage.

I have read 12 books in three weeks. I go to the library quite frequently. I have a Pell grant and I havent applied to schools. I am finally actually broke. I think I still have a ways to go until I hit rock bottom. My sister was telling me some things my mom said about my dad and they sounded a lot like me. Not surprisingly, I didnt take it well. Most people I know are not doing well right now. It's hard sitting it out as it were.

I dont know why I find phone sex so funny. Or dating in general. I have been on more dates in VA than probably my whole life. The more I meet people, the more I want to be alone. I am trying to do something with my attitude, but this heat is not helping me be productive.

That's enough.