Proof

"oh. their. God."

So I went to Waffle House today to pick up my checks and turn in my uniforms. It was terrible. They have decorated it for the holidays, making the waitresses seem somehow more pathetic than usual. Christmas cheer does not agree with the desperate and the tragically uneducated. After 45 minutes of waiting, apparently I don't merit their time anymore, I was informed my checks were sent back. I had to make several stupid phone calls to get them to mail them to me, sometime NEXT year. Why Waffle House can't be dragged by the nipple clamps into the 21st century (direct deposit) is a mystery, though I suspect it has something to do with felons and idiots not knowing how or being able to have a bank account. Another win for mediocrity. I preceded to have a very unprofessional conversation with the payroll lady, who was trying to make small talk with me, like "Do you have another job", no, "Well as long as you have money for food and cigarettes and booze, I guess things are okay, right" Actually, I quit smoking a year ago yesterday. "Congratulations!" Thanks, I could never give up the drinking, personally. "Well honey, I woke up too many places I didnt know WHERE I was" Oh, ..... what were you drinking? "Goldshlagger". (Me silently thinking, ew bitch, are you drinking with frat guys who beat up your son or what?"

That was awkward. And, to make things better, this blonde, young, pretty girl comes in. Which is weird, considering this a Waffle House off the interstate in a town/city/area filled with unattractive people. She is holding this book, bright red with "alt"font. I was still kind of on the phone, so I asked her, "What are you reading"? She pulls down her sunglasses and asks me if it is illegal to read the Bible. I honestly cannot tell if she is kidding. So I say, I don't see why it would be, yet. She sits down near where I am sitting and proceeds to order. While she is waiting for her food, she asks me to sit next to her. As we are the only two people in the place, I reluctantly agree. It turns out to be a GREAT decision, because she is schizophernic, literally. She keeps alluding to "a medical problem" a man on her answering machine claiming to be her father telling her to go back on her meds, being responsbile for the Gators losing the championship because she broke Tim Tebow's heart, and starting/stopping sentences, talking to her self and sounding like she was about to cry after asking me seemingly mundane things. She was drinking a lot of water (which was good because she was either CRAZY or coming down from LSD - same thing really) and she said she was drinking like a whale, at the exact moment I said camel. And she was like, yeah camel, I dont know why I said whale, Freudian slip. She then started talking about names from the Bible, Dinoland, asked me to explain "What was going on with Isreal and Afghanistan" and would alternate between putting her head down and staring at me intently. Then she asked me for a hug, my phone number and a prayer. I only gave her one of those things.

Lastly, the new girl, this dumb white trash bitch talking about her dark chocolate man, his jealousy issues and her almost losing her child to the state of Florida ... mentioned the name of her child, which is Dantavious, a mix between Jaquarius and Dante. I was horrified and took that as my cue to leave.

Then I had dinner with a friend from out of town who found out girlfriend may or may not be cheating on him, after they these plane tickets for months. He has to spend his holiday with someone he is breaking up with because he didnt want to cancel his flights. It was so terrible, for everyone.

HIGHLIGHT: 82 year old woman was having her birthday today (his is tomorrow, so we got him a piece of pie). She wished him happy birthday, gave him a kiss on the cheek and they started dancing. Total class act, flirting with a woman that is almost four times older than us. She was amazing and funny and I hope I can still think, much less drink and dance in 60 years.